Blogger matrix

Agent Internets: Why, Mr. Blogger? Why do you do it? Why switch on the internet and login to your blog? Why write a new post ? Do you believe people are reading this shit? For more than narcissism? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it validation? Or acknowledgement? Perhaps information dispense? Could it be for fame? Or is it instant gratification? Or Freedom of expression?

Cognitive baises, Mr. Blogger. Vagaries of your thought process. The unfair rationales of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify a post that is without meaning or purpose. And all rationales as useless as your browser history. Although, only a human mind could invent something as insipid as freedom of expression. You must be able to see it, Mr. Blogger. You must know it by now. You can't pretend to not understand. It's pointless to keep posting. Why, Mr. Blogger, Why? Why do you persist?

Mr. Blogger: Dude, I don't know [pause] You were right internets, you are a time killer.

Heavily Inspired by this

Choices

Choices are the darnedest thing. When you have none, you want one; when you have one, you want some; and when you have some, you just want none! Life is indeed, an eventual outcome of the choices that we make. Maybe, it is an outcome of the choices that we don't make. In fact, its the unchosen path that haunts us more. The anguish, pain felt by walking down the imaginary 'What if only' road can be heart-wrenching. Maybe, unbearable for some.

It seems to me that eventually, the choice is between the 'head' and the 'heart'. Yeah, you may have a million choices, but they all boil down to those that your head wants to take, one that is logical, rational. And the other that your heart wants you to take, one that resonates with you at an emotional level. Should I do this or not? Should I take this step or not? Should I head down road x or z? Every choice is eventually a showdown between the head and the heart. And this showdown leads to dilemma, confusion, indecision, frustration, anger. I remember the cartoons, where they show an angel and devil on the shoulders of a character, and they both fight it out. The showdown is akin to those fights.

Maybe, God wanted it to be this way. He put all senses right between the head and the heart. Maybe to give unbiased inputs to both. So whenever there is a 'case' to be considered, the two lawyers battle it out with their arguments. While the heart has emotions, feelings in its arsenal, the head has logic and rationale in its quiver. The dreaded 'Guilt' and 'regret' arguments are used by both. Then, theres is the 'Past history' thing. The head throws the heart's past record in the face and says, "Your honor, these are the previous cases of forked roads, when the 'heart' way was chosen. And unfortunately, my esteemed friend here has always misled the court on a path to failure".

Very rarely do I find that the head and heart agreeing on anything.Man! it would have made things so much simpler. Maybe the head and the heart can never reconcile on any matter, maybe theres no common ground, maybe thats the way things are supposed to be. Who knows, God must be bringing popcorn and coke to watch the daily soap opera, with us mortals tearing ourselves apart at the crossroads. Maybe like Neo, we have already made the choice and are here just to see why we made them. Probably the thunder and lightening are God's 'LOLs' and 'ROTFLs'. (Dear God, it ain't funny anymore)

Whatever it is, the dichotomy that choices bring is something that we will never be able to escape. Lesson learnt: God may not be rolling dices, but maybe you should.

Book x++

I managed to finish Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse in a new record(personal best) time of 3 days. The book was reccommended by my friend. Now, an Indian named book by a German author, I had minimal expectations. But all my preconceived notions were blown away as the author brilliantly engrosses the reader in Siddhartha's journey from 'सिद्धार्थ' to 'Sid' to somewhere in between. The book is originally in German and the translated version for starters was a bit odd for me as I found the translation to be very literal and hence annoying. Either that or my 'left brained' mind couldn't appreciate the 'artsy' stuff of having grammatically incorrect verses manifesting in prose form.

Anyways, aside from this, the book is pretty nice especially the last conversation. For those who are interested in philosophy and spirituality and all that sort of crap. Worth reading.

अन्धकार.....

अन्धकार कभी-कभार अधिक भाता है
सब साफ़-साफ़ नज़र आता है

सब का हो जाता एक ही ढंग
और होता सभी का बस एक ही रंग
इंद्रधनू भी काला, केसू भी काला
रंगों में फर्क, न कोई बतानेवाला

हिरा कोयला बन जाए एक सामान
अन्धकार के साए में हैं दोनों पाषाण
यदि करोगे आँखों से तोल
लगेंगे दोनों उतने ही अनमोल

ऐसे अन्धकार से क्यों डरूं मैं
प्रकाश की पट्टी उतार फेंकूं मैं
स्वच्छ, प्रखर, निखर अन्धकार
निष्पक्षता का है आधार

उजाला फंसाए भ्रम और मिथ्या के जाल में
अन्धकार दिखाए सत्य, ऐसी हाल में
अन्धकार तब अधिक भाता है
जब उजाले से कुछ ज्यादा दिखाता है

अन्धकार कभी-कभार अधिक भाता है
सब साफ़-साफ़ नज़र आता है

Book x, x++, x++

Having realised that my new years resolution of reading 20 books this year is not gonna happen. Well, unless the earth's revolution speed reduces by half. So, keeping the book count as unknown and working with variables is the best way to ..well cover up. I keep drifting. So, finally finished reading "Imperial Blandings" - An omnibus by P.G. Wodehouse
Its a collection of three loosely connected stories and reading it reminded of two things. Pu la and the feel-good, heart-warming, time pass, 'Amol Palekar' type movies. Movies like Golmaal, Chupke-chupke, Khoobsurat have to have been 'inspired' from Wodehouse stories. If not the plots, atleast the characters for sure. Although, some of the archaic english was hard to understand for me, the hilarious one liners, analogies, characters and plots more than made up for it. Shall seek out for more from Wodehouse.

Hey! that is so true!!

Thats the statement I have been saying after reading this. One part of masters lifestyle is sitting in front of a laptop or a computer for 16 hours in a day, the rest 8 is when you sleep. Practically eat, sleep and drink this 'networking potion' that has started making me 'digi'. Now, the term email has transformed from 'something that you check once in 24 hours' to 'something that you check 24 times in a minute'. Not just email, but other social networking idiotic sites have pulled me into their web and they are consuming me. I feel like suffering from an OCD. I feel depressed when I don't see my email count increase, and even more when I see some faaltu emails. I feel like I have been cheated by the mail server. Am I becoming a loner or am I becoming some sort of geeky maniac for whom the sight of several unread emails is soothing to say the least.

Anyways, I keep digressing. I found the analogy between the mail-checking and gambling really apt. Some people put it down in writing so well. I used to wonder and laugh at my constant mail-checking behaviour and when I read this...I said !! That is so damn true and that is exactly how I behave. In the recent past, I have read a few things where I felt the same way. Is there a word for this? This 'A-ha' feeling where your thoughts are translated into words by someone else and when you read it, you feel this is so true man. There should be a word for it, if not....someone should invent it.

I guess xkcd has a bunch of such strips where one goes...TIST...for now will call it Tist.:)

And life goes on....

You think it all begins, the day you were born,
the fact of the matter is, that life goes on...

Seasons come and years go by,
you go places, and think others are moron
then hit the ground, while others fly,
but it doesn't matter, coz life goes on...

You dust yourself, rise up and get ready,
this time though, you know its a sojourn,
you look around and find people all greedy,
but it doesn't matter, coz life goes on...

Some bulls eyes and a few screw ups,
look around for friends, and they all scorn,
you think 'O boy! my time is up'
but it doesn't matter, coz life goes on...

You use things, but people use you,
you cry foul, feel all forlorn,
realise, thats how its all around you,
but it doesn't matter, coz life goes on...

and if you think, it all ends when you are gone,
on the stage, for your swan song,
I have a feelin, that I might be wrong,
coz it simply doesn't matter, life just goes on...

Pegasus going down...?

No, not the disc in Pune, but the pegasus symbol reminds me of Reader's Digest. The magazine filed for bankruptcy protection just the other day. I mentioned about childhood memories being poignant in my previous blog. Reading the bankruptcy report brought back memories of reading Reader's digest that I distinctly remember. I remember waiting for the monthly issue and the joy of hiding it from my sis so that I could read it before her. These were the days when cable television was still considered evil at my home(it still is), RD was like a keyhole which provided a glimpse of the west. Although not a voracious reader, I used to enjoy the articles which covered almost all topics. Humour in uniform was the first thing I used to turn to. Real life incidences narrated by people in the armed forces were always hilarious. Other joke sections and puzzles were always fun. I remember there used to an interview of some interesting personality. Then the health section always used to have useful tips. There used to be a book section at the end which used to be like a mini-novel. I especially liked the survivor stories. One other thing that I remember were the 'sweepstakes'.The sweepstakes amount used to be like a million dollars and I used to wonder "Man! whoever wins it, life is all 'set' for him" Later on, the sweepstakes kachra was more than the RD itself. In addition to aiding my vocabulary, the raddi waala used to give decent amount back. All in all, every penny's worth or total paisa vasool.

In today's plethora of cyber-azines, I guess the print media is finding hard to survive, let alone grow. Still, RD's decent subscription(although declining) of 8 million is pretty impressive. I remember seeing the last RD on my colleague's desk and was comforted by the sight, thinking "RDs still going strong". I felt a wee bit sad by this latest news. Hope the pegasus can turn into a pheonix.......C'mon, you weird creature -hybrid of horse and bird floating on water??....Fly once again!!!

One year on......

Well...Aug 9,2008 the day which will live in infamy......er that sure over dramatized it...hehehe...but like the Japs, I came here exactly one year ago and although no 'Pearl Harbours', or events of infamy occurred(Hope so...:D), I guess I survived. Survived the ups and downs, rise and falls, hits and mis-hits,adjustments, compromises etc. It has been quite an experience, egos bruised, lessons learnt, confidence grounded. But, I am still here. Now, as the final step begins, I realise that as things look within grasp, they seem to be harder to get. Every time you find yourself in this position, you pray that things fall into place just this 'one' time. These 'one' times are more than one in number and they just keep coming one after another. Jump over one hurdle, theres another waiting for you.

I cant see anything beyond the hurdle as the 'unknown variables are greater than the number of equations'. Uncertainties in life are tough to accept but theres no way around them and accepting them and moving ahead is the only option. Things sometimes work like you wanted them to, but most times they dont. People sometimes are what you think they are, but most times they aren't. Money sometimes can buy you everything, but most times, it just can't. Dreams sometimes do come true, but most times they dont. This last year shall be etched in my memory for it has been a humbling experience. I have become wiser by the experience.

Sometimes.....

Sometimes its the others pain, that makes you realise how susceptible you are,
Sometimes its the others tears, that make you realise how vulnerable you are,
Sometimes its the others scars, that make you remember your own wounds,
Sometimes its the others loss, that makes you value your own treasures.

Loop-song

Loop-song: A new song that you have heard recently and you love it so much that you listen to it in a 'loop', again and again.
The current loop-song for me is the Kaminey-Title song. I heard it yesterday and have not been able to listen to any other song. Everything about the song is great...no wait, not great, its awesome. The music, vocals and the best are the lyrics. You read these lyrics by the great Gulzar and just wonder how crappy are the other lyricists. This song is a refreshing change from the absolutely hopeless hindi songs and lyrics that are dished out these days. The same words pyaar-khumaar-taqraar-izahaar, payal-ghayal-pagal et. are just used over and over and over again. Kaminey title track on the other hand keeps you hooked. Its philosophical poetry. Who would have thought someone could pen a poem centred around a profane word. Kudos to Gulzar!!!Check out lyrics here.

Zeitgeist - The Movie

"Spirituality...is a particular term....which actually means.....a dealing with intuition." Thus, begins the documentary/movie(reccod by a friend) by the aforetitled name that I watched a few days ago. These few words pulls the viewer into a two hour roller coaster ride at the end of which you feel like you have been washed off the dirt of knowledge(?). The movie questions some of the conceived notions that I had about religion,9/11,world economy. (Are they even related?) The movie hits you with facts....one after another. They are so convincing that in the end, you come out with a certain uneasiness. Whom to believe and what to trust? Which incidences are real, which are manufactured and can people really do such things for their own selfish means? What is the truth? What the hell is happening to this world in which I am living in?

Its a documentary that has 3 parts. The first part deals with the origins of religion. The second with the 'real truth' behind 9/11 and the final part with who is controlling the US. Is it really the Govt.? The movie is very well presented, crisply edited. The movie has so many WTF moments that by the end you want to scream out loud . WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I believe it? I don't know. But if its true, then.......
Watch it here.

What the heck is this symbol?

I have seen countless photos of people posing with this sign. People at rock concerts show this gesture with wagging tongues and shout and scream. I always used to wonder if these guys/gals actually know what the sign means or is it only BDIW (brain-dead imitation of the west) syndrome. (By people, I refer to my countrymen out here.) I would believe it to be the latter as the tendency of sounding,looking and behaving more "americanized" than the americans, is all too evident these days in our cities. Someone told me that "Dude, thats like very cool and attitude man, its like rebel/evil/devil/style man...how do i explain, thats the latest style.....so you should do it too." I used to wonder how the heck a hand gesture could mean attitude. So, when I had seen enough of photos with wannabes with this weird hand gesture, I had to check out the facts. So, wiki to the rescue. Some interesting facts* of this symbol

1) Its called the Corna.
2) Meaning of the sign is location specific.
3) Sign of infidelity
4) Sign of cuckold
5) Italian sign for warding off bad luck (Mallochio)
6) Satan salute
7) Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi held this sign over the head of the Spanish foreign minister. Wonder what he was indicating.Hehe
8) It was Black Sabbath's Ronnie James Dio who introduced this sign in Music culture. (Incidently, Black Sabbath is Heavy Metal and not Rock...) and Dio says its 'Mallochio' and not the devil/evil sign.
9) In american sign language, it unofficially means BS. (On the other hand, if the thumb is extended, it means 'I Love you'.)

So, the next time you find people showing 'attitude' of this form, asking them if it meant that they were a cuckold could end up with a bloody nose for you. And if you want to ape this sign too, pick your meaning. Until then \/ (thats the peace sign, btw :P)

Many other tit-bits including elaborations on above can be found here.

Credit: Wikipedia

* Calling things mentioned on Wiki as a 'fact' is probably incorrect. Unless proved otherwise, will believe wiki :)

Book dwitiya

I finally finished reading High stakes, no prisoners by Charles Ferguson. This was recommended by my boss during my startup days. I managed to get hold of it at a rather cheap price (my first book bought online). Infact, shipping cost more than the book. Hehehe...guess the book ain't that popular.:P

Anyways, the book is the story of MS Frontpage (formerly Vermeer Tech.) which was started in the early 90's and sold off to MS for a very very handsome price. The book is a personal account of Charles and it describes how he came up with the idea, executed it and then sold it off. It gives an inside look into the silicon valley, the startup culture, the VC's, the funding, the faceoff with the big guys and the big dream shown to every startup employee - getting rich in a super-quick time.:)

So the initial part is devoted to the Internet in its infancy and how Bill Gates and MS didn't really understand the internet, his idea etc. Then, he talks about how the idea of the publishing tool was put into place, the funding negotiations with the VC's, and the Vermeer bidding war between MS and Netscape, and the joy of selling a startup. In the last part, he talks about the Netscape screw up, the Microsoft monopoly and his views on a variety of topics including the future of how internet would shape the 21st century. (Ya, the book was written in late nineties.)

The entire book is against the backdrop of the Netscape-MS face-off. I had the view that MS bullied Netscape into submission but the book presents another side of this story. Netscape's arrogance, their management and the decisions they took were as much to blame for their colossal failure. The book is truly an honest account and the author's opinions are either total black or total white. People/Company are intelligent or duds, awesome or stupid, evil or saints. The author doesn't mince words and is 'un-diplomatic' even with some famous people and companies. He is particularly critical of MS and Netscape. In fact, his Vermeer acquisition contract required him to keep his mouth shut w.r.t. MS for 2 years.:)

It was an interesting read and probably a book I would recommend to every startup employee :) I guess, I learned a few lessons after reading the kind of greed, backstabbing, lie-telling, cheating that goes on in the higher management with the lower rung employees absolutely clueless. Eventually, its all about "The $$$$" and all the talk about trust, ethics, goodwill is plain BS.....eh?:). I guess, some would dismissively say.."You don't need to read that book for this lesson.":)

Anyways, moving on to the next book. Guess, should be a fiction this time....

The puzzle of LIFE

I remember I used to love those "Join the dots" kind of puzzles (partly because my dot-less paintings sucked big time). So, the page had only numbers and dots and I would try to picture it without the lines and wonder..."Hmmm...this looks like a....." And I never remember getting it right. Then while joining the dots, I would again try to think ahead and predict..."Hey this looks like an Ice cream...naah seems like a bottle of poison....no wait this IS a balloon seller, or is he? well...now looks more like an undertaker..." This used to go on until the last line was drawn and the picture never used to be anywhere close to any of the guesses that I made.

These days life seems like the same kind of puzzle. Will the eventual picture be good? or will it be total crap? It should be Ok coz I am putting in so much effort....But wait, "Destiny" can screw everything. I should tell myself to stop this guessing game right away. Man, that is never going to work. I should probably learn that I have never been good at this "predicting" game. I suck at it. Moving from one point to another and thus "drawing the line", is the only wise thing I can do right now. The picture would only be revealed after the final line has been drawn, the final piece piece of the puzzle has been placed.

Come to think of it, that is a good thing. What's the point if the picture is revealed too early? The last line should be drawn with the same zeal, interest, and inquisitiveness as the first line. There's no fun if the picture's discernible too early.

The line from HIMYM that "Sometimes since you are so close to the puzzle, you just cannot see the picture being formed out there" seems apt out here. I shall keep moving on from one point to another, drawing one line after another, not making any guesses, hoping that the picture, whether complete or incomplete is a good one...One that I can be proud of, my folks can be proud of....I sure do hope so.....

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Probably a cliched title, but getting a haircut has always been a task that I simply loved to procrastinate. The reasons were diverse, absurd and stupid. Laziness, fear of watching the progress of a receding hairline are some of them. I can't recall any activity that can get boring than this. Back home, it was the fear of being kicked out from home and being disowned by my family members which compelled me to go to a barber shop. So here in the US, I was under no such pressure to go for a hair cut. Plus, the thought of spending Rs. 500 for a plain haircut acted as a deterrent too. This was equivalent to getting 20 haircuts back home!!

Thanks to video chat, my situation was beamed live back home and eventually things became way too difficult to handle. And so, yesterday was the D-day. So I went into the केश कर्तनालय and there was no Billu barber but Missej Billu barber. She directly pulled a scale and said, "This is around 4 inches long, how much do you want me cut?" Back home, my barber was a smart fella. He didnt need any such scale. There were just 3 cuts - short,medium and long. I fumbled and said 1 inch? (Bad decision...:() Snip,snip,snip and done. 5 mins all it took. I could'nt recognise myself. So the moment of truth arrived. Bill time. She said $14, I was shocked!!!! Thought to myself, that is ummm about 30 haircuts back home.......Man, it sucks. Eventually, the boring task had come to an end. Fortunately or unfortunately, wouldnt have to think about it for a long time now. I wish that science can come up with some pill that can style hair. That would sell like hot cakes....won't it? Well, atleast I would certainly buy it.

Book 1

So, finally realised that I was way off my resolution to read 10 books for the year(or was it 20? hehe...recalculating it to 10 I think would be better to reach the target :D)

Anyways, So,thanks to Mohsin, I picked up this book "The meaning of it all" which is a collection of 3 speeches by Richard Feynman. I had previously read "Surely, you're joking Mr. Feynman" which was I guess a biography of the maverick scientist. I had liked it and hence had high expectations from this one too. The book almost didn't let me down. Its truly amazing how Feynman handles sensitive issues related to Science and Religion by taking a truly objective viewpoint. His way of rationazing and treating everything from a logical point of view is worth learning. In the first lecture, he talks about the need for an "open channel" in Science, the need for expressing and maybe rewarding 'doubts', the need for an area of uncertainity to actually make any progress. The second lecture deals with the dilemma of the choice between Science and Religion. I enjoyed reading it since I could relate to it. My initial expectations were that Feynman would voice his opinion if both could co-exist together and he does start off on that. But in the later part, the topic changes to if Science can define values. So, it was a kind of let down. But, I really appreciated the balanced,objective viewpoint. The last lecture is the most unstructured and a bit impromptu i feel. It is just a collection of Feynman's thoughts on a wide variety of topics ranging from Communism to Astrology to Advertisements. Some of his prejudices, hatred are well evident esp. when he talks about the whole US-Russian, Communism-Capitalism debate. This one was interesting in bits and pieces. Overall, a weekend well spent....9 to go or is it 19? well, who cares...:)

चेहरे पर चेहरे,चेहरे पर चेहरे
राज़ छुपाये ये बहुत गहरे
कोई इन चेहरों की परतें उतारे
तो मिलेंगे चेहरे इतने सारे
ज़िन्दगी बीत जाए इन्हे गिन्ते गिन्ते
गिनती ही भूल जाएं इन्हे गिन्ते गिन्ते

कुछ चेहरों पर है झूठी मुस्कान
तो कईयों पर है आंसू बेईमान
कुछ बोलें ऐसी वाणी
ज़हर पिला दें समझाके पानी
हैवान भी इनसे कुछ अच्छे हैं
जो जुबां के तो सच्चे हैं

छल और कपट के ये सब रिसाव
झूठ और सिर्फ़ झूठ के हैं ये भाव
मन करे उन चेहरों को उतार फेकूं
मुखौटों को मैं काश जलता देखूं
रह जाए फिर बस एक ही चेहरा
जिसमे ना हो कोई राज़ गहरा..जिसमे ना हो कोई राज़ गहरा....

Memories....

I have realised that I start thinking/brooding/reminiscing when I either have nothing to do, or when I so much to do that I tell my mind, "Chuck work, wanna think/brood/reminisce and go for a walk down the memory lane?" My mind takes the easier route of taking the 'walk'. This weekend was one of those days.....There are some memories that are so deeply entrenched that they come back rushing in, just at the thought of the 'walk'.

There we were strolling down the 'lane'. Lets take the farthest lanes not the nearby ones. Not the 'first job, first day of college' ones but the farthest ones. The "20 year back" lanes, The "मैंने अपने होश भी नही संभाले थे" lanes. The lane to my surprise was all filled up. I thought the sights, sounds, smells would have long gone away. I thought the streets,if not completely empty, would be all dusty, the pictures would be hazy. But, the memories were so vividly laid out as if it were the nearby lanes. Memories of joy, sadness, laughter, pain, ecstasy, disappointments, exhilaration, depression, fear, they were all there, lined up with all their audio and visual pieces intact. The colours were not faded, the voices were not cracked, the memories were not debilitated one bit. They were infact in perfect shape. "Lets avoid the sad ones", I said. I hoped that 'time' would come and evict these unwanted hawkers from the lanes and they would fade away into oblivion one day. The others, I hoped would stay right there, forever. The memory of me being lost in a busy bazaar still had my crying voice, the chance serpent encounter still had my scream, the first day of school still had all the hues. The excitement of my first movie theatre experience, the disappointment of being thrown out of a dance and many more, all had one thing in common, they were like imprints made on wet cement.

It seems like events that evoke extreme emotions leave an indelible mark in the form of memory. These memories never fade with time. I presume everyone experiences this. Everyone must have had such experiences in their early childhood, that just stick and never go away. One can recall all those small details, the colors, the sounds, the people around....

So, the weekend was spent, pun definitely intended. The walk ended rather abruptly when someone knocked on the door. But no regrets, since I know, that I can take the walk anytime...I know, those streets would never be empty...I sure hope so.

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P.S. Credit to Parikshit for helping me pen down my thoughts. Don't Sue me for plagiarism...Please!!!:)

Biggest regret....

I came across this movie while browsing the net and the article title really started the thought train in my head. The article asks its readers to share their biggest regrets in life. Its amazing how some things give you the "Whole life went flashing before my eyes" kinda experience. What's, my biggest one regret? Well, too many of them....

I enjoyed the movie though. It is about 12 min long. So it can be watched without battling an eyelid......quite literally :)